


Side Effects

by calrissian18



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Imperius Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Orphan Draco Malfoy, Pining, Unfairly Monstrous Lucius Malfoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-31
Updated: 2013-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-13 13:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/824688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calrissian18/pseuds/calrissian18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is just a side effect of something bigger, isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Side Effects

" _Avada_ – "  
  
"– _Kedavra_ ," Harry bellows, watching Lucius Malfoy's final act of revenge over the killing of his master end in a sickening wheeze. Harry turns his wand on the younger Malfoy, knowing – even now, even after Malfoy has sneered and reveled in his silky utterance of _Crucio_ , reveled in Harry's spasms and his loss of control – he can't kill him.  
  
_Incarcerus_ is on his lips but he freezes as he looks at the fatherless boy. At first he thinks it is grief that has made Malfoy collapse like that but then he's tearing at his own hair and releasing a primal scream. It scrapes against Harry's heart in a way that makes his whole body shake.  
  
Malfoy seethes and rages and he pulls himself up like a puppet on strings before he lunges at his father's body. He kicks and bites and hits and yells and screams unintelligible things but the pain of it is stripped and all too visible.  
  
Harry calls after him, begs for him to stop, but Malfoy is crazed, wild. Harry has to _Stupefy_ him to make him silent again.

 

* * *

Malfoy sits in a bed in the hospital wing and shakes. Madam Pomfrey says it's a side effect of being subjected to a Dark Curse for as long as Malfoy has been.  
  
Harry sits by his bedside and watches him. He watches Malfoy reach for a glass of water only to drop his hand before he touches it. He watches Malfoy as he seizes from the foreign magic that has dwelled within him for years. He watches Malfoy murmur to himself, things that are always too soft for Harry to hear, for all he knows they aren't even real words. He watches Malfoy fight with himself, he watches Malfoy stutter, and he sees the disgusted look on his face, turned inward as it always is now.  
  
Harry wonders why he can't bring himself to leave. He doesn't even know this boy.  
  
Harry doesn't know how much time has passed when he wakes up in an uncomfortable hospital chair, drool on his face, and finds Malfoy watching him unblinkingly. Malfoy wants to say something, Harry can feel the unuttered words pushing at him.  
  
"Malfoy?" he prompts.  
  
Malfoy tears his eyes away and looks down at his hands. Harry silently curses himself for his stupidity and impatience. Malfoy looks up at him then and says so sincerely that Harry's heart constricts, "I. I don't know who I am."  
  
Madam Pomfrey says he's spending too much time in the hospital wing, by Malfoy's bedside, and that he's becoming pale. She says he will need one of these beds soon if he doesn't leave. She limits his visits to three times a week. She tells him, as if he will find it comforting, that Malfoy will not even notice his absence.  
  
He comes back in two days and finds Malfoy staring at a length of twine as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. It's tied into a circle, the ends at the top. He doesn't know if Malfoy's done that himself or not. He doesn't know if Malfoy _can_ do that himself. Harry sits down in the chair next to Malfoy's bed and isn't surprised when Malfoy doesn't acknowledge him.  
  
Malfoy holds the twine in both hands, frowns, keeps his head down, and places it in front of Harry on the bed.  
  
Harry's eyes widen behind his glasses and he asks in a voice that's suddenly a bit too choked up for his liking, "For me?"  
  
"You think you're such a big man, Potter. You wait. I'll have you."  [1]  
  
"You said that to me in fifth year," Harry says, blinking furiously. He touches Malfoy's knee. "Do you remember that?"  
  
Malfoy jerks away from his touch and rocks. "I. I d-didn't say."  
  
Harry leans back in his chair, playing with the twine between his fingers. He says, "No. No, I don't suppose you did."  
  
When it's time for him to leave, he waits an hour and then sneaks back in under the cloak. He listens to Malfoy make noises like he's drowning while he sleeps. Harry doesn't get much rest that night.

 

* * *

Malfoy wakes Harry up out of a doze when he says in a snobby voice that is not his own, "Imagine them not even getting his name right, Weasley, it's almost as though he's a complete nonentity, isn't it?" [2]  
  
  
"You said that to Ron," Harry tells him, pushing up his glasses to rub at his eyes. "About his father." He yawns. He stops and looks at Malfoy. Malfoy's arms are wrapped around his knees and he's rocking again. Harry touches his arm and he stops. He swallows. "Malfoy, I need to know. Ron's family, my family, Hermione's blood – did you mean any of it?"  
  
Malfoy looks back at him as if Harry's caused him physical pain and Harry withdraws his hand as if he's touched fire. Malfoy claps his hands over his ears and shakes his head violently. "Not m-my name. Stop-stop it."  
  
"Draco," Harry says and Malfoy stops. "Draco," he repeats, feeling nervous though he hasn't the foggiest as to why.

 

* * *

Harry still hasn't figured out how to spend his free time when he's away from Malfoy. Hermione and Ron are studying for the promised chance to take their NEWTs but Harry's not interested in any further schooling, much to Hermione's barely veiled disapproval.  
  
He goes with them to the library but he only sits with his chin resting on his palm and his mind elsewhere. He twirls the twine ring on his thumb and whiles away the hours.  
  
Hermione will occasionally lean over the table and say something about Malfoy in a whispered tone. Today it is: "All those years, and we never even knew him."  
  
Ron's face goes stark white and he nods cagily.  
  
Harry breathes out audibly and remembers the very first words that Malfoy ever said to him and regurgitates them now. "He didn't know himself."  
  
Hermione purses her lips sagely and goes back to her book.

 

* * *

The next day Harry asks Snape to cast the Imperius curse on him. The overgrown bat promptly throws him out of his office.  
  
He doesn't think he'd be able to throw off Snape and he wants to know. He has to know.

 

* * *

"Who are you, Draco?" Harry asks the next day while he sits by Malfoy's bedside and picks at his makeshift twine ring. It's the epitome of a stupid question as Malfoy's the last person to know now but Harry's frustration has reached its limits. He wants, _needs_ to know if it - any of it - was real.  
  
Suddenly a memory bubbles forth and Harry leans closer. Malfoy scoots away from him but Harry doesn't let that deter him. "On the tower. Y-you, you were fighting it, weren't you?" Harry shifts closer to him and Malfoy backs further away. "And the bathroom," he breathes out in sudden comprehension, remembering Malfoy's tear-stained cheeks and the way his face twisted up as his wand raised, his stricken expression not matching the curse on his lips. Harry's chest tightens, remembering his answer to one of the few real glimpses of Malfoy he'd ever gotten. "That was you. That was the real you, wasn't it?" he asks quietly, his eyes wet.  
  
Malfoy doesn't answer so Harry gets up and sits cross-legged in front of him on his squeaky hospital bed. Malfoy's eyes widen and he stares at the bedspread but still he says nothing.  
  
"I think it was you," Harry tells him softly.  
  
He touches the back of Malfoy's hand and runs his thumb over the soft skin when it isn't pulled away. He draws a shallow breath. "Draco, I'm so sorry. I feel like I should've known, done something, stopped it but… I didn't even know you. I never knew you."

* * *

 

Madam Pomfrey says the only cure for Malfoy now is intense Psychotherapy and Mind Healing. She says he can only get that at St. Mungo's. She says Malfoy will probably never be back here. She says they are the same now, Malfoy is an orphan too. The only difference is, he has nowhere to go.  
  
Harry tells the Headmistress he needs a pass to see Malfoy three times a week or he's leaving Hogwarts. He's only staying for Ron and Hermione anyway. She agrees but cuts him down to twice a week.

 

* * *

Malfoy doesn't murmur anymore but neither does he look at Harry. He stares out the window now and whispers, "How long d'you reckon you're going to last, Potter? Ten minutes into the first task's my bet." [3]  
  
Harry places his hand on Malfoy's thigh and Malfoy closes his mouth. He doesn't want to hear those things because that is _not_ Malfoy. He squeezes his hand before he pulls away and says, "You lost, you know? Still alive and kicking."  
  
Malfoy has a seizure while he's there. His skin is covered in a light sheen of sweat and his hair is sticking to his flushed cheeks. Harry has to physically restrain himself from standing up and enveloping the shivering boy in his arms.

 

* * *

That night Harry has a dream about Malfoy that has him flushed and sweaty for entirely different reasons and he feels like the world's worst bastard. Had this been his intent from the beginning, why he couldn't leave Malfoy well enough alone even though Malfoy wasn't even Malfoy? He doesn't know the boy in that bed and yet still he wants him.  
  
He'd always known Malfoy was beautiful, that wasn't something you could hide, not even with Imperius. Harry couldn't deny it and he wouldn't waste the breath trying, but looks aren't any reason that he should feel like _this_ over a _boy_. Malfoy's not even a whole person anymore. He can't handle stringing together a full sentence without a stutter or six. There's nothing there to care for, just a broken soldier with no one else left.  
  
But, somehow, Harry knows this is not about pity. Maybe it's all just a part of Harry's 'saving people thing.'  
  
As he goes back to bed, aware if he does sleep that it'll be shit sleep, a part of him warns that he doesn't like boys. This is the part that also believes he and Ginny will get back together and live happily ever after. This part of him is always wrong.  
  
When Harry wanks in the morning to the thought of pale skin and _alive_ grey eyes, the twine ring on his thumb scrapes his shaft but he can't bring himself to take it off.

 

* * *

Harry walks into room 422 and is literally stunned backwards when Malfoy looks up at him, his eyes as clear as they've ever been. Harry takes a deep gulp of air and slumps down in the chair next to Malfoy's bed.  
  
A plate of food is in front of the former Slytherin and he eats in silence. He doesn't look back up at Harry.  
  
Harry watches him as the sun streams in through the full windows and paints Malfoy in shimmering light. Malfoy pushes his hair behind his ear and his fork clatters to his plate loudly in the stillness.  
  
"I don't know if it's me or him." And that's the first time Malfoy's ever spoken without a stutter when he wasn't reliving a memory. He picks up his fork and pushes his meatloaf and gravy around with it. "Do I want this, or does he? Do I even _like_ the taste of this? How do I know when my thoughts are mine?"  
  
Harry doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to do. Malfoy is speaking to him, the _real_ Malfoy, and he's too shocked to offer the comfort he knows the boy needs. Malfoy is scared and Harry can see it. There is no mask, no attempt to hide, just real, genuine feeling.  
  
He doesn't speak as he gets up, picks up the plate, sets it on the bedside table, and holds Malfoy in his arms. "Is this real?" Malfoy asks.  
  
And Harry has no idea of the answer. But then he doesn't really understand the question.  
  
He only holds him tighter in response, the fraying twine around his thumb like stubble against Malfoy's neck.

 

* * *

They give Malfoy potions to counteract his seizures, potions that he will have to take every day for the rest of his life. They tell him he has to come back three times a week for his psychotherapy. They tell him that he is free to go. Malfoy looks terrified.  
  
Harry reaches out for his hand and says softly, "You'll live with me." Malfoy stares at him in disbelief and offense but Harry only says, "I have more space than I'll ever need. It's not a request, Draco."  
  
Harry knows that this is the only way Malfoy will agree, denying him the chance to say no. It seems this Malfoy still has an unhealthy amount of pride as well. Harry finds that he doesn't mind in the least.

 

* * *

Harry doesn't like leaving Malfoy alone with only Kreacher for comfort. No matter the saying 'creature comforts' – turns out, the real thing didn't. McGonagall raises a stern eyebrow. "The point of giving an ultimatum, Mr. Potter, is to do one or the other, not both."  
  
Harry tends to agree but Malfoy needs him more than Harry needs to keep up this farce. McGonagall signs his withdrawal papers and looks up at him curiously. Her forehead is creased with concern and the sadness that's been with her since Malfoy's diagnosis deepens the lines around her mouth. "How is he managing?"  
  
Harry smiles as he thinks of Malfoy's progress. "No more seizures," Harry says proudly. "No more reliving memories that aren't his." He leaves out that Malfoy forces Harry awake with soul-shattering screams every night or that Malfoy refuses to touch him or that he'll stand in one room for hours wondering if he's there because he wants to be or because he was told to be.

* * *

When Harry tells Malfoy his idea all he says is, "He should've been fed to those Blast-Ended Skrewts." His tone is bitter and he winces after the words are out, feeling like a stranger in his own head.  
  
Harry sits next to Malfoy on the couch. He doesn't miss the way the other boy tenses. "Draco," he says encouragingly, "it might help you to find some closure or something."  
  
Malfoy looks over at him and Harry can see the spiteful rejoinder on his tongue but he bites it down at Harry's pleading features. He nods once and says, "For you."  
  
Harry plays with the twine around his thumb anxiously, it's frayed so badly now that only magic is keeping it there.

* * *

 

"Did you expect something more climactic, Harry?" Malfoy asks as he sits on top of his father's grave and stares at the barren tombstone. Only the dates are there to stare back at him.  
  
Harry sighs and drops down next to him. "I didn't expect anything, Draco," he admits.  
  
Malfoy's quiet for so long that Harry begins to seriously worry.  
  
"I was five," Malfoy says finally. Harry doesn't ask, just waits. "He pointed his wand at me and then I was gone."  
  
"Five," Harry repeats weakly. "You remembered?"  
  
Malfoy nods. "Just now." He stands up and snarls, "I'm glad he's worm food. All he's fit for is maggots and rot."  
  
Harry stops him from marching away angrily by grabbing his elbow. Malfoy spins around, his eyes filled with rage and unshed tears but Harry only smiles and says, "That was definitely you."  
  
Confusion flitters over Malfoy's features, then comprehension, then contentment. "Thank you," he says so softly that Harry almost doesn't hear it.  
  
Harry only leans forward and kisses Malfoy on the mouth. Malfoy's lips part beneath his and he gives a small moan. Malfoy's still tentative when their tongues touch but Harry can tell he wants this. He doesn't bother to say that he doesn't need Malfoy's gratitude, he doesn't bother to say that he wanted him even when he wasn't him, he doesn't bother to say that he loves him now.  
  
Malfoy will find all of that out in time. _Because if there's one thing we have on our side now, it's time_ , Harry thinks as he lets the twine ring fall from his thumb before lacing his fingers with Malfoy's.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ , chapter 38. [return to text]
> 
> 2 _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ , chapter 13. [return to text]
> 
> 3 _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ , chapter 18. [return to text]


End file.
